Absolut Moron

So, I go away for a brief hiatus and during my weekend check of the blogosphere I see where Dipstick du jour, Jim Zumbo, has gone and Barney Fife'd himself right in the fourth point of contact. I'm not even gonna link this story or the follow-ups from his sponsors, the blog world, or even Dumbo himself.

Now you know I can't pass this one up. Jim Zumbo just took a flying leap off the precipice of reality and is freefalling into dreamland. Hate to say it, Jim, but there's no magic feather to help you fly outta this one. By reading the comments and follow up from Remington and even your own editor, I'd say you have augered in nicely. I saw a documentary on Discovery the other day about model rocketeers. They have a term used when a rocket blows up: CATO (CATOstrophic Failure). That is what the remains of your career have become. Don't even bother picking up the pieces. Someone will be along shortly to sweep them under the rug.

Let me tell you something else, Jim. I am one of those hunters you loathe. I ENJOY traipsing around the South Texas brush with my EBR H&K G3 clone strapped across my chest. There is no greater joy than knowing I have twenty rounds at my ready disposal for coyotes, javelinas, hogs and even deer. When I hunt, Jim, I look like the bastard child of Blackwater Ops. That's right, I stopped listening to you icons of hunting sense and fashion shortly after leaving the Mecca of Advantage camo and H.S. Strut turkey calls. I went back to my cheap ass roots...Military Surplus. Maxpedition assault pack with hydration carrier. 5.11 pants and shirts. Mil Surp BDU pants and shirts. Underarmour heat and cool gear. Bates USMC issue desert boots. Cheaper Than Dirt utility belt with custom built drop leg holster and mag carrier. Oakley shooting glasses. Radians ear muffs. I even have several of those Dirka Dirkastan 'shemagh' scarves that you see our boys and girls wearing over there.

The shit they sell at Bass Pro Shop and Academy is schlock. You couldn't get me to buy Advantage camo or RealTree Outdoor prints to save my life. Why spend $50 on ONE pair of soft, micro-fleece pants that repel water and store your farts for later sniffing when I can make that buck stretch a bit farther at the MilSurp store? You, sir, are one of those people I listened to when I was at the pinnacle of my Bass Pro buying phase. I drank your Kool-Aid and asked for seconds. Now you sit there with a wi-fi connection from whatever hunting lodge has a couch wide enough for your fat ass telling me I can't hunt the way I want with the equipment I want. What makes you so sanctimonious? Don't you know, Fatso, that ALL RIFLES WERE DESIGNED AFTER MILITARY WEAPONS??? That Buckbuster 3000 with the tritium crosshair 100x scope with 80mm objective lens and cappucino maker you hump from the front of your heated Chevy pickup to the elevator of your palatial heated deer blind complete with glory hole for when the deer aren't moving was designed by someone who wanted to kill someone else. You are as much a terrorist as I am.

I am one of those hunters you fear. I have gone traipsing through the woods with my EBR strapped to my chest. Let me tell you something, it was fun. I was able to walk through rain and knee deep mud puddles witout fear of jostling expensive sights, or scratching the walnut stock on some mesquite thorns. My normal weapon of choice when slaying deer is a Sako .30-06 with a Leupold 10x scope on it. I shoot custom tailored handloads out of it. It took me and dad several years of experimenting with loads, bullets, and different brass to get it right. I'm afraid to cut a stiff fart around that rifle for fear of knocking the scope out of zero.

Know why I couldn't use it on my last hunt? I got a piece of dirt up in the trigger mechanism that caused me to gut-shoot a deer. I made an animal suffer over a speck of dirt. Even though that rifle was fixed and ready to be used again, I realized that I didn't have enough time to test fire it before the hunt. Time to break out "Patricia," my JLD Enterprises PTR-91KF. It is a clone of the H&K G3 series of rifles. Made here in American, Jim. You know America, right, Jim? You should, seeing as how you just wiped your ass with the U.S. Constitution the other day. I fashioned a single point sling attachment so I could carry the rifle over my chest. Why, you ask? So when I come across an animal I am hunting, I don't have to spend fifteen minutes dicking around trying to unsling my rifle and taking aim. I'm sure the game warden in my area would shit solid diamond blue twinkies out his butt if he ever saw me cavorting through the woods with that across my chest.

We had rain and cold weather that weekend, too. I hate carrying my Sako in the rain. Just for the simple fear that water and the humidity could do some damage to the wood stock. You know, water leaks in and the stock swells. I would hate to have my point of impact be off when trying to humanely harvest a deer. Better be accurate, so I took an accurate rifle with me. It was accurate after walking through a rain shower. It was accurate after splashing through a coleche mud pit. It was accurate after tossing it inside the cab of a Chevy Blazer and bouncing around the deer lease.

You know what? Just to piss you off even more, I plan on bringing my Rock River AR with me. Should I carry spare mags in a chest harness, or just stick them in my pockets like I did with my .308? Naw, I think I'll carry them in my chest harness. Better to resemble a terrorist that you think I am.

From now on, I plan on hunting with a spare rifle. Maybe even just hunt with that EBR and leave my Sako at home. It seems to work just as well as my .30-06...oh, by the way, Jim, the .30-06 is also a military round. Just so you know. I guess you painted millions of 'traditional' hunters in America as terrorists. I'll send you a picture next season. You'll know it's from me because I will sign it "Love and Kisses from the American Hunting Terrorist."

rant off.